


haunted

by limme



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Drama, Ghost Sex, Hugs, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:20:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27875237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limme/pseuds/limme
Summary: Welcome to the Murder Hause de Papel. Martin had killed himself before Sergio came but his story isn't over. Yet.
Relationships: Helsinki | Mirko Dragic/Palermo | Martín Berrote
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1) sorry for mistakes as you can see English isn't my native language  
> 2) just tell me, if you don't like it and I will delete it.

Helsinki is thinking that he is going crazy.

When he went through the corridors, it seems to him that someone was watching him.

When he was in the classroom it seems to him that someone was touching his spine and shoulders. But when he turned around, there was nobody. The closest person besides was Marsella, but he didn't even look at his side.

When they had dinners, it seems to him that someone was telling him dirty jokes. But next to him were Bogota and Lisbon.

He wasn't the only person who felt something paranormal. Sometimes someone or something dropped stuff off the tables. Or cried. Once they heard steps in the main corridor but saw nobody.

It was a weird place to live in.

Sometimes Helsinki saw a man dressed in a dark red shirt and black skinny jeans. The man was handsome. Usually, he sat beneath the tree or laid on the grass and watched the skies. Too pretty to be a monk. Too unknown to be one of them. Helsinki is afraid to go closer.

But he wants to. He feels sad when he sees how happy the Professor and Lisbon are. And Denver and Stockholm. And imagines how happy Tokio and Rio will be happy when they bring the kid back. Then he feels even lonelier. It is hard to be the only gay, after all. There is no one to share feelings or/and bed. It would be much easier if there was another gay, you know.

It happened during the morning class. The Professor was telling them how they are doing to enter the Bank of Spain. This person stood right next to him. Everyone could see him. But either they ignored him, or he was the only person who could see the stranger. And this person had no clue that someone could see him.

"Son of a bitch," he said looked directly at the Professor.

He speaks with a weird accent. He speaks loudly. But no one reacts.

Helsinki shuts his eyes and rubs them. It can't be real. It's not a chip horror movie. Or it is?

When they made a break, the man added:

"Dickhead."

And demonstrated the middle finger right in the Professor's face.

Helsinki now is sure that he lost his mind. He is deadly tired. He can't live in this place any longer because it drives him crazy.

The next thing he is going to do is to talk with this man. To make sure he is not real. And either this part of his imagination or he is a character from a chip horror movie.

"Hey?"

The stranger sharply turns to him. He is confused and scared. The man quickly licked his lips and took a step forward, then looked around.

"You can see me," he said. It wasn't a question.

"Kinda."

Helsinki is surprised to see this person sharply inhaled and tried to calm himself down.

"Are you a product of my imagination?"

"Nah, I don't think so. You deserve someone better than me."

"Then wha... who are you?"

"I don't know. I'm... I was an engineer; I don't know anything about the afterlife, ghosts, or whatever. And I'm not a big fan of science fiction. The only thing I can say for sure I'm not alive anymore."

Helsinki shrugs. The situation is creepy. And the only way to deal with it - accept it.

"So what is... was your name?"

The stranger smirks. There was something devilish in this smirk, something familiar.

"You'd probably call me Palermo."

"Nice to meet you, Palermo. My name is..."

"I know your name, big guy."

What's next? Should they make a handshake? Do ghosts have a body? How stupid is it?

But he accepts reached hand and. Before he understands what's happened, Palermo had laughed and turned their handshake into a quick hug.

"You can feel me," he whispered excitedly.

"I felt your touches before. I saw you. I even heard your voice."

"Holy shit. Fuck. Fucking fuck."

He looks into Palermo's eyes and sees some kind of dangerous gleam and passion that he had already seen three years ago.


	2. Chapter 2

Martin laughed loudly and cried bitterly while standing over his own body. Dead body. It was the only things that he was able to do. When he tried to grab something his hand went right through the object, but he was able to sit, lean or lay. He didn't taste his tears. But he still feels hopelessness, fear and hatred. 

The first hours after his death he explored new limits of his own body. Like a curious teenager. However, when he was a teenager, he knew exactly what he's doing to do with his body. Now he was scared and frustrated, and the only thing he truly wanted was to shot himself one more time. 

He planned to shoot himself. He chose this way to leave no chance to himself. No cutting. No ropes on the doorknobs or chandeliers. No long walks in the rooftop. No overdoses. No diving. No poisoning. Not a small chance to stay alive or stay a drooling vegetable. To gift himself the longest and the nicest dream of all life. To stop his suffering, pain, original rage and helplessness. To go hell and finally find peace. Maybe _that_ distance would be enough to heal the wound.

He didn't care about himself. Neither did the others. 

So he ironed his shirt, put on favourite jeans, found shoes. Sat in the bath. And did it. He panicked. And he continued to panic when he realised that he is still able to panic. That he is still able to think. That he is still able to feel. But he is even more helpless now. 

He didn't know exactly how much time passed when Sergio had come. Martin told him everything most unpleasant and rude, but he didn't respond. Suddenly the engineer felt that something pulling him like a lasso after that fucking hypocrite. He sat next to him in the taxi, he sat beside him on the plane. Walked after him towards the monastery. Sergio walked into the room that he once occupied, took papers, locked the room, put the key into his pocket and walked away. 

To the Welder and the Mute, he told, that the Gay guy won't come. And order them not to mention him. 

"He gave me everything he had." 

"That's a pity. He was kinda funny." 

Martin stood right in front of them. He wanted to hug them. He missed Welder's big hands. That's all. He didn't care about the others. 

Firstly, he thought he hates all of them. Andreas died because of their stupidity and mistakes after all. But then he realised that he felt nothing. He doesn't hate these people. They are just a cute little family. He spends with them a couple of evenings and dinners and felt like a part of the group. There was one person whom he felt sympathy. He was threatening and soft at the same time. So huge and gentle that Martin for the first time wished he were alive. 

When Helsinki exposed his tattoo, Martin can't help but say it aloud that he would train his bear. He was sure that no one can hear him, but Serbian looked like he heard him. Well, maybe just a coincidence. Martin likes him. Not because this man is gay but because he is so caring and loving. And probably, has an enormous dick. He told him that making Helsinki blush. 

"Listen," he said quietly "I still can't believe it's true. I was fucking engineer. I'm struggling as much as you do." 

Helsinki doubts. He assumes that being dead is easier than being alive. Deadmen feel nothing. They lay in their cosy coffins, and nothing can bother them. Palermo laughed painfully. 

"I'm not sure if my body is in a coffin. I have no idea where it can be." 

Helsinki was a soldier, well he is a soldier. During wars, there is no time to bury bodies properly. But they tried. What's the problem to bury a person nowadays? 

"Seriously. I have no clue what happened to my body. Maybe it is in a trench. Or in different trash cans. It does not bother me..." 

"Is there something I can do for you?" 

Palermo looked at him. And damn, there was everything in his eyes: sorrow, pain, rage, desperation. 

"What you can do for me?" 

"I can get in touch with someone who cares about you to inform them." 

"The only person who genuinely cared about me has never left Mint." 

Helsinki glanced at him worryingly. Four persons have never come out of the Mint: Oslo, Moscow, Stockholm and Berlin. Oslo is his loss. Moscow is Denver's. Stockholm is the only missing hostage. So Berlin left. 

"I'm sorry. I lost someone too." 

"Because of this son of a bitch?" 

Helsinki needs more time to adjust to this habit of Palermo to call the Professor this way. 

"No, it wasn't his fault. It was ours." 

"Unless ours doesn't mean that it was his fault too?" 

"No, the Professor tried to help us." 

"Oh really? Did he try to help him?" 

Palermo's hand point to Berlin's portrait. Helsinki was right. Suddenly the engineer's fist slammed the table. But there was no sound. His breath became heavier. He turned away, probably hiding his tears. Helsinki instinctively tried to hug him, but Palermo stopped him. 

"Don't touch me. Please. For now." 

He wanted to say something, but Nairobi interrupts him. 

"Here you are, Helsi! Dinner is ready, come on." 

She didn't see Palermo. 

"Yeah, of course." 

He didn't know what he should do. He didn't want to leave Palermo like this. 

"Go. I'll be fine. We can talk later. By the way, conversations aren't the only way we can entertain ourselves if you know what I mean," Palermo winked.


	3. Chapter 3

Helsinki couldn't believe it was real. It could be a nice fairytale, a fine drama movie, an ancient myth. It's not real life.

But it is. The dead man is here. He came to them after a while, more calm this time. Helsinki desperately wanted to ask if Palermo alright but it would be very suspicious and weird. And pointless. Obviously, he was fine enough.

"I use to enjoy doing this," said he and pat the Professor's hair, "you should try by yourself. He's an asshole sometimes, but he has soft hair. Seriously, try it."

Helsinki smiled.

"Fine," said Palermo, "have a nice supper, big guy. See you later. Keep silent if you agree and say "fuck Sergio" if you don't."

And left.

Stop. Did he just say the Professor's actual name? They've must know each other well. And something went terribly wrong.

Palermo was easy to find. He spent a lot of time in their classroom.

"It's just a habit of mine," he explained, "I could even sleep here hugging pencils and sketchbooks. Miss this time."

"So you have been here before?"

"I've lived here for a while. With Sergio and Andres. We were working out Bank of Spain plan."

Helsinki is not stupid. He can use simple logic to understand that it was a long time ago. So his question is:

"Why you weren't with us during Mint?"

"Listen to me, big guy. Sometimes it's good not to know everything. I don't want you to start to doubt the Professor's decisions. He made mistakes in his past. But we all did. I've already destroyed so much when I was alive. I don't want to ruin anything else."

Helsinki doesn't want to believe that this man could be that bad as he talks about himself. As he started feeling something to Palermo, he refuses to accept that this definitely handsome man (ghost) could be evil and disastrous. Maybe he's just exaggerating? Maybe he's not a bad person he just has low self-esteem?

Original fear started to pull back and then turn into pure curiosity and desire.

"This crazy, Tokyo. She pisses me off and if I were alive, I would hate her without hesitation. But I'm not. I saw her crying last night. And I feel sorry for her. And I'm glad she has a chance to fix everything. This fucking hypocrite allowed her to save someone she loves."

"He didn't the same for you?"

"As you can see."

Oh, he can see. He sees a broken person who is still sad and restless even after his own death. However good-looking and wit. Helsinki wanted to hold his hands or hug him. Do whatever you want to do with the person you like.

But Palermo doesn't think so. He didn't allow him to touch himself but did everything to make Helsinki wanted to touch him. Everything he has is their first hug and first handshake. He remembers that his hand wasn't gravely cold or transparent. A usual hand of an ordinary alive person.  
Whose hair smelled like blood and shampoo.

"I do what's better for you," Palermo explained, "you have no idea how simple things can bind."

"What if I want to be bonded?"

Palermo looked at him and smiled playfully. And shook his head.

"You have no idea what are you talking about. I don't want to hurt either you or me. But if were alive I would."

"What else you would do if you were alive?"

Palermo likes this kind of games but not now. He keeps looking at Helsinki and just can't make himself say or do something.

Being dead made Martin realise things. He understands how it's useless to hurt people because someone once hurt him. How it's painful, to see people suffering. He doesn't want to see Helsinki suffering. Especially because of him. He's not this kind of person. He is someone's shameful secret or a fuck toy.

"I don't want to..."

"Palermo. Here's my agreement. I want this."

He doesn't need to be asked twice.

Soon after Helsinki even regret about it while jerking off in the bathroom. He doesn't have a clue that words can be so powerful.

"It's not about words. It's about imagination. And imagination can take us far. Considering the fact that no one else can see me."


	4. Chapter 4

It was obvious that Helsinki became more lonely than before. And it was almost impossible to avoid questions or answer to them in the right way. And he would fail if Palermo wasn't the master of making impossible things possible. But the sad fact is: Palermo was an engineer, not a magician. He can't just make them disappear. Or can he?

Palermo licked his lips thoughtfully.

"Maybe I can do something about it. But you will have to break one of the Professor's rules. However, as I can see, most of you don't care about his rules at all."

"What rule?"

"About the room at the end of the corridor."

"So, you offer me to break in?"

"Kinda."

"Whose room it was?"

Whose room it was? Palermo frowned. Sergio locked it. But it still contains his stuff like clothes, various notes, books and so on. Why this fucking coward didn't destroy it? Because he believes in the resurrection or what? Or he is smart enough to consider the possibility that the dead man has a natural need to change his shirt? Or this room will be kind of a shrine?

Whatever the real reason is, Martin doesn't complain. He knew exactly that his grey shirt was here. Yes, that shirt he wore the day when Andreas destroyed him.

No matter how long ago it happened, it still hurts.

But the shirt is just a piece of clothing. Martin likes shirts. And it certainly wasn't the shirt's fault that Andreas left him.

It's his.

"Mine."

Helsinki immediately shook his head. He wasn't a professional lockpicker, but he knew a few things.

Palermo was waiting for him beside the door into his room. He was ready to alert him if someone comes.

As soon as the door opened, they slip inside. Like a couple of lusty teenagers.

Helsinki looked around. They were in the small room without windows, with a low ceiling, very dusty, with one bed and piles of boxes. Very depressing and gloomy place.

"I hope you have matches or lighter. There were candles somewhere."

Because Palermo can't interact with objects, he lights three candles and closes the door quietly. He took one of the candles and looked around more closely. Helsinki feels discomfort and anxiety. To distract himself, he takes a sketchbook from the top of one of the piles.

"May I?"

"Of course. Have fun. But I'm not sure if there will be something new to you."

Helsinki did everything to not to look at Palermo's naked back. He looked at sketches and formulas and felt passion, devotion, obsession and love.

"So, my partner in crime. What can I do to thank you properly?"

Helsinki doesn't want to lead everything to sex. Well, he wants sex with Palermo, but not now. He is a very romantic person.

"I want a date. Tonight. "

Palermo laughed softly but agreed.

They left the room and closed the door. Helsinki went to his and Nairobi's room to prepare himself for an important event.

When he entered the courtyard, Palermo was lying on the grass and look at the sky.

"There are little advantages to being a ghost. You can't feel tastes and smells. I miss the taste of alcohol a lot. But also you can't feel the temperature."

Helsinki adjusts his blanket.

"But you can feel me."

"Helsinki."

One word. Mirko stopped. He knows he shouldn't continue. He feels something wrong. It was almost panic in the engineer's eyes.

"Did you enjoy to play hard to get when you were alive?"

"If I were alive, I would fuck you and then throw you away."

Helsinki sure it's true. But it doesn't scare him.


	5. Chapter 5

"If I were alive, I would fuck you and then throw away."

"Why would you do this?"

"Because," Palermo licked his dead lips, "I wasn't a nice person. And my life wasn't easy and full of joy and love. I would not only throw you away, but I would say something nasty also. Something about us, something like we are comrades, brothers. Something to cause you pain. And about the importance of being professionals. No offence.

" None was taken, Palermo. But somehow I'm sure you would change your mind."

"I would even fell in love with you. But I would do everything to push you as far as possible. I wouldn't let you love me."

"Why?"

"Because it would be difficult to break up."

Helsinki realises that Palermo would do the same thing as Berlin, he would kill himself. Not necessarily to protect the others. Just because he can. Could. Helsinki is stupid but not dumb.

He changed the subject.

"So you still can love?"

"I can do many things, but I feel nothing inside. But I know I like you."

"You like me?" Helsinki smiled softly, and he didn't expect that Palermo will answer him. Right now and straight. For Helsinki Palermo is a man of mystery. He can't tell him something so important in this way.

"Yes."

Simple and clear.

It must be a weird dream.

"Good night, big guy. I know you have an important lesson tomorrow. Sleep well."

Helsinki almost told him "You too," but realised that it would be pointless.

"I would like to stay with you for a little bit longer."

"No, not today. You can't care about me, but I can care about you. You should go."

Palermo is pretty comfortable not be able to sleep. He didn't sleep when he was a child because his mother and her friends drank too loud. He didn't sleep when he was a student because of studying at nights, he considered himself too smart to sleep. He didn't sleep when he was an ordinary man because life was too dull without alcohol and sex with strangers. He didn't sleep when he met Andres because he was obsessed with different plans and schemes. He didn't sleep after Andres' death because he was too busy staring at the ceiling and thinking about his own possible delightful death. And because he saw the same nightmare every time: he kissed Andres and then he turned into ash.

So Helsinki needs to sleep.

Next morning Nairobi asked him impolite but sincerely if he is in love. She can see, but she won't understand.

He blushes.

"Oh, Helsi, come on, you spent the whole night with him! Who is he?"

Palermo wasn't beside right now. No one will tell him what he should say. 

He was on his own. And he isn't a good liar, so he prefers to keep silent.

He fell in love with Palermo. From the first glance. Like in movies and books. He became obsessed with him. And he would give everything to revive him at least for one day. Or take him from the underworld.

"I don't know what are you talking about. I was alone. Couldn't sleep."

She nodded but didn't believe it. But also says nothing when her friend had kept disappearing almost every night.

Helsinki finally has a chance to a real relationship. Not just sex with random men. But the relationship with dates, sleepless nights, long conversations. But without kisses and hugs because Palermo is sure that he doesn't deserve it.

The ghost with low self-esteem. Helsinki doesn't know why he thinks about himself in such a way. In his opinion, Palermo isn't a monster or a freak.

But Helsinki can't know it. He has no idea how it was several years ago between Martin and Andres. How the engineer was obsessed, even absorbed by him. And how tragically it ended. But he keeps talking with Helsinki because of his darkest and based needs. To be visible. To be heard. To have an opportunity to flirt.

"By the way, why you can see me? From all these people. I mean, it's not bad. But you didn't know me. So I'm curious."

Palermo thought that he would be Sergio's most vivid and cruel nightmare. Or a brief mirage for Bogota or Marseille.

"Maybe because I wanted to see you."

"Explain."

"I don't know exactly. But I just thought once that it would be nice to have a friend or a partner. Or someone to talk to. And then it happened. I started to see, feel and hear you."

Palermo smiled painfully and nodded. He felt rage and anger. Why does the stranger care about him more than the person who he knew and trust for a long time? It wasn't fair.


	6. Chapter 6

Now Helsinki understands that Palermo can feel something and has senses. His sense of humour stayed with him even after death. They both enjoy dirty jokes. One of Palermo's hobby was telling him anecdotes during supper. It was hard for Helsinki not to laugh and smile, so he had to retell it.

"I've heard that one before," once said Bogota, "from that engineer guy."

Helsinki flinched and looked at The Professor. The man quickly became pale and nervous, so Bogota didn't continue. It will be suspicious if he asks about "the engineer guy" more.

Maybe Palermo didn't feel anything, but he perfectly expresses a wide range of emotions from pain and resentment to pure joy and calm. The last one appeared when they were together. They spent long sleepless nights under stars and moon without holding hands, kissing or making love. Things that happened between them were gentle and sentimental. Or between their classes. Palermo explained him complicated stuff and told about how it should be several years ago and about the origin of some items in their classroom. Palermo told him beautiful stories about wicked moments of his life.

Periodically Palermo tried to talk Helsinki out of any kind of relationship with him because he was sure, that love to a dead man won't make him happy. He knew it exactly because he was in love with Andres even after his death.

And, of course, Palermo expressed hatred. A lot. Strongly burning hatred. Toward the Professor. Palermo doesn't want to let it go because he can't. If he tells true, the Professor is somehow guilt in his death. And it's not cool.

If Palermo were able to sabotage the Professor, he would do it without a single doubt. But he couldn't interact with objects.

"This son of a bitch may be good at planning things but," Palermo grinned, "math isn't his strong side. If I only could mess it up a little..."

"I don't think you would do it."

"Oh, you don't know me, big guy. I'm not cutie gay geek, okay? I'm fucking monster."

And, of course, Palermo for some reason, hates himself. This kind of hatred is more powerful than hatred towards the Professor. He said that he had realised that Helsinki should work with the Professor not against him. So trust is a crucial factor. However:

"We trusted him," whispered Palermo helplessly, "I trust him. This son of a bitch. A dickhead. We trusted him, and he killed us both! I don't care if he pretends that I've never existed. But he tries to forget his brother. I mean, the portrait is a great way to honour Andres, but he can do better. He should pray every day. Yet the only way he mentioned God is while he fucks Lisbon. I don't spy on them, I saw them once, and it was pretty awful.

Helsinki knows. Palermo isn't this kind of person. And Lisbon and the Professor aren't sneaky porn stars. In short, Palermo wasn't the only person who saw them that day.

"We didn't sleep, starved, we were in love with this plan, we were obsessed with the whole idea. And for me, is painful and jealousy to watch you having fun, enjoying your meals and games and whatever."

Helsinki feels guilt. Their schedule wasn't his fault. But it seemed unfair that they enjoy themselves although two mad romantics were ready to die for this plan.

"Well, maybe Sergio didn't start from scratch, he still has a thing to care of. Should I tell you?"

"As you wish."

"As I wish, huh? The only thing Sergio must care about is your salvation. He must find a way to extract you from the Bank. Nothing serious, right?"

Helsinki look at him like Sergio did three years ago. With unpleasant surprise and shock. Martin giggled.

"Relax. The Professor is smart. He will work it out."

From lesson to lesson, they are close to finding it out. Palermo is interested in reveal too, so sits beside Helsinki.

"Remember how this son of a bitch went pale when Bogota mentioned me? Interesting what will happen if someone mentioned Palermo. A city. Or a gay district. It doesn't matter."

Helsinki suggests that nothing good.

He doesn't want to hurt anyone, and Palermo knows that perfectly. So he doesn't insist. And they continue their dates.

Palermo talks a lot about the plan, and it's fine. And Helsinki talks about his life before he joined the band and it was also fine. It was unexpected that Palermo liked these stories although they were gloomy, dark and dirty sometimes.

"You know, big guy, what's funny? Our little Sergio always talked about me as an example of instability, unreliability, danger, partiality. He knew I was unpredictable and still," Palermo closed his eyes, "why he didn't hire another engineer to double-check my calculations? Why he is so sure that I wasn't going to sabotage him?"

"Maybe because you don't want to hurt neither him nor none of us?"

"I would gladly hurt Tokyo."

Helsinki knows he wouldn't not only because he is dead. But because he wants his plan to be completed.

"Have you ever heard the song "If I die young"?" asked Palermo spontaneously.

"No."

"There are lines."

And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singin'  
Funny when you're dead, how people start listening

Palermo has a wonderful voice. Had.

"Sergio was so sure that his plan was better than ours that I believed that he didn't even hear us. But he remembered everything almost by heart."

P.S. The shortlist of songs that sad sentimental ghost can sing to you:  
> If I should die by The band Perry  
> Strange bird by Birdy  
> Creep by Radiohead  
> A special death by Mirah


	7. Chapter 7

When Palermo wasn't busy, hating the Professor or Tokyo, he tried to show his love toward Helsinki.

It took the time, of course. Palermo won't change his mind by the snap of his fingers. But he sincerely tries.

Helsinki is endlessly curious about what had happened to him. What broke him? Why he is continuing to conceal his feelings. And more importantly, why he is continuing to hide it even when he is dead. There is no need to do it, especially now.

At this point, they are much alike. Both of them like to do pointless things. Helsinki goes on with loving Palermo. He attempts to win his dead heart instead of finding real love, for example. Or be reasonable. No, this isn't for him.

Moreover, Palermo's facade starts cracking little by little. It was about to break down completely. Helsinki was as close as possible to see what's behind the mask of anger, sarcasm and total mystery. And no matter how broken, sad, unstable, unpredictable and destructive he is Helsinki sure he'll be in love with him anyway. It's okay if it is what he truly is.

From time to time, Palermo asks him why he is doing this? Does he need something in exchange? No, he doesn't. The only joy of his life now is seeing Palermo every day.

From meeting to meeting the distance between them shortened, he let him more and more to do. Touch him, pat, hold his hands.

In the night when Helsinki attempted to kiss him, Palermo almost cried.

It was something frightened, shocked and unexpected. Helsinki thought it was his fault. 

"Don't come any closer, big guy," the dead man took several steps back.

"Are you all right?"

"No, I'm not. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't."

And then he disappeared.

Martin has never suffered from panic attacks. Well, maybe not the way Sergio suffers. Anyway. He tried to breathe deeply and think straight. Avoid all the things people said to him. How filthy, not deserving happiness and sluty he is. He always tried to ignore them or pretend he didn't care. But he does.

When he was in a drunken haze or when someone gets too close, Martin hates himself for sinful desire to be loved, hugged than tighter than better and kissed than deeper than... Doesn't matter.

He was kissed once, and it ended more than just not nice. One kiss ruined his life completely. So now he's dead, and he's nothing to lose. But he can't overcome himself like people who had food poisoning, and now they avoid an exact type of food.

In short, he can't let the other person break his heart again.  
Yet more important was his desire to not to break Helsinki's heart. He wanted to save and protect him from such a monster as he is. It's going to be terribly painful for both of them but totally worth it. So he's going to show him how tragic this kind of relationship ends.

Palermo is good at planning, counting and pretending. However, he is pretty bad at counting risks. For that purpose, he needed a person like Sergio, who can talk him back or fix the consequences of his reckless actions. Now he's all alone. And he has no idea how badly he's going to hurt Helsinki.

Bad enough, obviously. To leave him howling like a half-dead animal, to break his big and kind heart into thousands of sharp shards. And he knows how to do it.

There is one topic they've never spoken. Helsinki didn't ask, and Palermo didn't tell about how he died. His death is a fact. But the way he died is unknown. Helsinki must be thinking of him dying like Andreas sacrificing for someone. Or from the terminal illness. Or both. He will be disappointed with the truth.

"Listen to me, big guy. I'm going to say something very wrong and uncomfortable. We can't continue our relationship."

"Why?"

"It makes you blind. And it's not good for you to spend so much time with the dead man. You should be among alive people." 

Helsinki has one idea so wild and crazy that he is afraid of telling it. What if he will die too? He'll become a ghost so Palermo won't have a reason to argue with him.

"Oh, shit! Don't even think about killing yourself. If you let this idea seize you, you'll end up horribly."

"How exactly?"

"Like me."

"You committed suicide?"

"I don't think the word "commit" is suitable, it's not a crime after all. But yes. I killed myself."

Helsinki seemed disappointed. He looked at Palermo and went away.

It wasn't the first time when the man he loved went away, yet it was as painful as for the first time. But for this only this time it was intentionally.

For the good of all of them, he thought.


End file.
